Walking on Sunshine

How I’m Feeling

It has come to my attention that FaceBook friends are concerned about me so this is a brief (and hopefully reassuring) post about how I’m doing.

I have Atypical Bipolar Disorder and err on the side of depression rather than mania.  My medication regimen reflects this – I take a large dose of anti-depressants and a smaller dose of an anti-psychotic with mood-stabilising properties.

On Monday, I was very upset about changes to the benefits system which I accept are necessary but will mean I have to jump through a whole lot of hoops to ‘prove’ I’m unfit for work.  Rationally, I know I’m unfit but it’s a bit like a ‘normal’ person being charged with a crime – she’ll go to court knowing she’s innocent but terrified there will be a miscarriage of justice.  For me the upset and stress led to a psychotic episode the details of which I’m not going to go into.  Fortunately, I retained enough of my marbles to know I needed to increase my anti-psychotic to the maximum allowed.  This made me very sleepy so I spent most of the day in bed (hence, no FaceBook).

Tuesday dawned and found me feeling very depressed and lethargic.  This is partly due to the anti-psychotics I’d taken on Monday.  Because they’re mood-stabilising, they pull all the sparkle and joy out of life if I have to take more than usual.  I required two small extra doses during the day which, while keeping me safe, increased the depression.  I spent most of the day pottering about and eventually settled down with my knitting in the evening.

Today the weather is wet, windy and dull, dull, dull which isn’t helping.  I’m hoping to manage with just one extra dose of anti-psychotic (haven’t had to take it so far which is good).  I’m very, very tired and still feeling inexplicably sad, unmotivated, uneasy and generally am not a very happy camper.

I can’t tell if my mood has really slipped or if it’s all down to the extra anti-psychotics until I’ve had a couple of days without extra pills but I do know how to manage the way I’m feeling.  It’s important to stick to routines and try and stay occupied.  I’m not able to read (no concentration and it tends to send me to sleep) so knitting is the order of the day.  My faith is a great support to me and I’ll be going to Mass as often as I can (not going today as there’s a funeral).  The cats are furry little comforters and will be having lots of extra huggles.  I need to eat well, keep to a regular bedtime and, if at all possible, stay out of bed during the day.  I have no intention of harming myself in any way – it’s all about nurture and comfort.

My Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN D) is on holiday this week and I hate speaking to the duty person (have had several bad experiences) so I shall manage this myself until she comes back on Monday.  I already have an appointment to see her on Friday next.

So, life’s fairly miserable but everything’s under control.  I am very good at managing my illness but just don’t have a whole lot of energy for chatting right now.  Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

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