Walking on Sunshine


Do you ever wonder how you came to be the way you are?  I do.  And I’m often rather puzzled!  When it comes to my weight, however, I know exactly what happened.  Here’s the story:

I was a skinny kid.  I ate fairly well although I was fussy and wouldn’t touch fruit’n’veg.  I had a ‘sweetie box’ from which I was allowed an occassional treat.  I was rotten at PE in school but, as I spent my free-time around horses, I was getting loads of exercise.

As I got older (around the time I started secondary school) I became unhappier and more volatile.  I was becoming a ‘typical’ teen but, for added interest, my Bipolar Disorder started coming into play.  And that wouldn’t be diagnosed until much later.  Family meal-times were a constant battle-field and, after dinner I’d reach for comfort food in the privacy of my bedroom while I read and read and read.  I stopped riding and running around the stables but PE made me take some exercise once a week.  I made my first (abortive) attempts to diet as I started to gain curves.

At 16, I was in the habit of skipping meals and then pigging out on chocolate, crisps, cake – you name it.  If it was fatty and sugary then it was my friend.  I discovered the night-life ‘in town’ was very much to my taste and added alcohol to my diet.  But I was also dancing for several hours on Friday and Saturday nights (in hot, sweaty clubs) and I liked my curves.  I was a size 10 but, convinced I was fat, I continued to ‘diet’ by skipping meals and then bingeing – either through genuine hunger or in search of comfort.

I moved away from home to go to University.  Alcohol really entered the picture now.  The food in Halls was atrocious so I continued to skip meals and then binge.  When I moved into a flat with a kitchen I stocked it with sweets, alcohol and cigarettes.  I discovered that I liked cooking.  And so I did.  And, if you cook there’s a good chance you’ll eat.  So now I was eating meals and bingeing.  I went on a crash-diet (of only eating rice and bean-sprouts) and got down to 7st 5lbs.  And still thought I was fat.  My goal was to be 7st ‘because that’s what I weighed at school’ but there was no way I could reach it.  I gave up and came back up to a healthy weight.

After Graduation, I moved back to my home-town, got a job and bought a flat.  I was back to eating meals supplemented by binges.  And now I had money in my pocket.  And work was boring.  So I spent most of the 9am – 5pm eating.  And then I continued to eat when I went home.  I was ill and desperately unhappy.  I started to gain weight.  Size 10.  Size 12.

I was made redundant from one job, left another, was sacked, made redundant again and then ended up in a Call Centre.  I was now very ill and on anti-depressants.  I spent any time I wasn’t working stuffing myself with sugar and fat until I’d have no choice but to sleep.  I ate at work between phone calls.  I’d stopped seeing my friends so there was no more dancing to burn off the calories.  Size 12.  Size 14.  Size 16.

Now I was 28 and I finally gave into the breakdown that had been looming for so many years.  I saw my GP.  I saw a Psychiatrist.  I was prescribed various medications – all of which cause weight-gain.  Some increase appetite while others, according to the Dr, ‘tell your body to store fat.’  And it did.  I helped things along by continuing to binge.  I’d now decided that I wanted to be fat and, believe me, getting there wasn’t difficult.  Size 16.  Size 18.  Size 20.

I made it all the way to size 26.  I could no longer wear ‘normal’ clothes from a ‘normal’ shop.  My back hurt just from moving around my home.  Walking anywhere was terribly hard and painful.  My ankle complained and my knees twinged.  But I felt safe, surrounded by fat.

I was retired from work due to ill-health.  I started receiving Counselling (with Counsellor C).  And I started to get better.  My medications were tweaked and fine-tuned.  And I continued to get better.  And I didn’t need the fat anymore.  But it was still there, together with a binge-eating habit I couldn’t control and a complete inability to exercise.

Since then, I think I’ve been on every diet known to man.  WeightWatchers?  Done that.  SlimmingWorld?  Done that.  Atkins?  Yep.  SlimFast?  Check.  Starvation?  Been there.  I’ve done them all.

I lose weight.  I gain it back.

Today I’m a size 20.  And I want to be a size 14.  I also want to get there in a healthy, sustainable manner and, if possible, to enjoy the journey.  I believe it can be done.  But I seem to have an awfully long way to go.


Comments on: "History" (2)

  1. I believe you can do it. Just take it one day at a time. ((hugs))

  2. I am sad you had a difficult trip so far – my daughter also had it bad in school. I also was not aware of home schooling until we began attending The TLM, and met scads of HS families. I still did not take my girls out of school, but I did pull them out of Rel. Ed. and instructed the faith at home. As it turned out, my younger daughter was victimized for no good reasons, one of them being slightly overweight. It was a very dark 2 years until she was able to get a new start through HS’ing and a chance to deepen her faith. She forced herself to exercise, under the suggestion from a Ukrainian Catholic Priest, that it benefits not only the body but well being of the mind and attitude. He was right. We have to stop, decide what God wants us to be, and then we have the steam to sensibly care for ourselves. as little tabernacles of Jesus Christ: Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. I’m with you – I was thin until I had my first child at 34 – it was all binging from then on.

    Let’s pray for each other – I am on The South Beach Diet for my health, as my Doctor Rx’d. It is a slower process than I would like, but it is really easy to do! It is not a fad, but a lifestyle. I have lost about 15 pounds without exercising, and my sweet cravings are gone. I still love goodies, but I do not succumb to them. Prayer first before every mouthful. I have a total of 60+ pounds to loose – you seem like a more grounded person than flighty me! Angie is right – one day at a time.

    You do not have to approve this comment – I just thought I’d lend some words of support – from someone else who is also struggling with weight. God Bless you!

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